It hurts when you lose your loved one. Remember good word and business
However, there are common patterns of human psyche in residence loss. So, the following stages of the grinding process can be distinguished:
1. Negation;
2. Aggression;
3. "Treaty with God";
4. Depression;
5. Adoption.
On the stage denial We do not want to believe in what happened. We are talking about the dead, as alive. We do not use the past time, say: "He is such a person," instead "he was ...". We are building plans for the future or think of the present, in habit including the deceased in the familiar picture of the world. For example, we continue to buy the products that he / she loved.
Difficulties at this stage arise when there is no opportunity to make sure death. When a person disappears, or dies due to a disaster, in a fire or brushing of an air or swimming vessel, when the body remains unsuitable or difficult to sound. It is very difficult for loved ones to abandon the hope that their close miracle survived and escaped, and the remains found belong to someone else. Instead of loss, the waiting process may be included.
While a person does not pass all these stages, the experience of the death of a loved one cannot be completed. At the same time, the alone itself is normal, can be both consistent when one stage smoothly replaces the other and parallel-consistent when there are signs of two or more stages at the same time.
For example, man angrythat life so unfairly cost him, sucks with doctors, then falls into despairand at the same time leads mysterious dialogs with themselves "But if I did or didn't do that ... then he would be alive": I came early, made me to turn to doctors before, I noticed that he was depressed and going to commit suicide, seriously reacted to his words, did not hold would be in the house of the tablet, would not let him down on this trip, etc. In this case, we can talk about parallel flow Stages of aggression, depression and "contract with God".
And although for each of us it will take different amounts of time to cope with the loss and adapt to life without a dear person, due to the fact that someone is easier to experience losses, someone needs more internal strength and time. However, there is a notion of the norm when living loss and abnormalities from it.
Pathological is considered to be "jam" on one of the stages. For example, when in the family for years about the dead they say, as alive, it is stored by his things, they leave the room not touched. Or refuse to openly call what happened, keep the secret or invent the disappearance story, which is designed to "protect against experiences" and support the illusion that nothing happened.
So, for example, children say that Dad went on a business trip or mom gone. And then the child begins to fantasize - it has happened, based on what has seen-heard increments of information. Maybe to blame himself in what happened: "It happened, because I behaved badly." And it can begin to be very afraid of losing the remaining relatives.
For example, if the child knew that her grandmother before was "disappeared", I was sick and lay in the hospital, and then grandfather also "sick and lay" ... You can imagine what will be the reaction to the news of the Mom's disease or, even worse, on Her hospitalization? Let even a banal ARVI or a scheduled survey.
At first it is very important find at least one person or people with whom you can share the experience of grief and loss. To speak with them about who this person was for you, which will never be more, which will change in your life, in connection with his death. After all, we lose not only a particular person (family member) and the pleasant moments that they associated us with him, but also ideas about their own future, our dreams, expectations, and often material well-being, and status.
Unattended, at least in the present and near future, the needs that were satisfied in contact with this person will remain. This is the need for communicating, in love, in adoption, in understanding, in support; And separated common interests, hobbies, and possibly collaboration, and care for children or relatives.
It is very important that the person with whom you will discuss it, I understood you and took your experiences. Simply was near and did not devalue your feelings.
Very often even the closest relatives from the best motives, wanting to "encourage us" and "return to life", in such situations they say: "Do not worry! It also happens! "," How did you live in war? " Or "one child died, but you have two more. Live for them! " Or "the husband died, but you have something to take care! Live for children / grandchildren! "
Is it worth saying that such a "consolation" does not help, rather even annoying and additionally wounds the feeling that you are "one on one" with this grief and "no one understands you."
It also happens that those who are surrounded are hard with flavored, due to the fact that strong experiences and suffering themselves are unbearable: they may not know how to behave, or loss causes very strong experiences and memories themselves.
And even if they are very worried about you, in fact try to avoid communicating with you. So, it turns out that a vacuum can be formed around when participation and support you are most needed.
If you feel that you are alone in your grief, no one understands you or there are no such people with whom you can talk about it, it is worth contacting a professionalwhich will help you find the forces to live on, new meanings, adapt to a new life situation, cope with a possible depression, take the changed idea of \u200b\u200byourself (change in identity), to stop the picture of the future and yourself in it, while not devaluating your experiences, helping better Understand yourself and providing the necessary adoption and support.
How to help yourself survive the death of close?
In minutes, when it becomes especially difficult and unbearable from the lost loss, the following actions can help: 1. Talk about the dead with someone who knew him well, and who could listen, support and understand you.
It may be neighboring and distant relatives, friends, like yours and the same, for whom you are grieving, neighbors who knew you and your relationship, servants of the Church.
2. Speak your feelings.
If you were present at death or for you extremely negative and difficult was the presence at the funeral, communication with doctors in the morgue or any other event associated with death, also try to spoke.
Tell detail about what happened: how did you know where it happened, where at that time you were who said or know about what you felt at the moment when they learned and \\ or saw for the first time you feel now. It is believed that multiple or detailed prognosis soothes, relieves anxiety and gradually treats your soulful wound.
3. Write the "unsent letter" to those who are combined.
Take paper and handle, because it is very important to do it not on the computer. Try, as you fully describe everything that you feel (how bitterly, it hurts, lonely) and that he / she meant for you, what exactly you are missing that I left him and even, perhaps, how much you are angry, that he / she left you.
It is believed that about the dead "either good or nothing." But often, working with the grief process, I see that it is the concealment of real feelings, and they are rarely only good or only bad, because when we love, we feel the whole range of feelings, and therefore it is appropriate to be honest first of all with ourselves yourself and call everything you really experience.
And try not to blame yourself for it. Because it is the absence of negative feelings that often strengthens or increases the length of the grief, and often leads to the jams on them and the pathological options for living, not giving the process to go naturally.
In a unsent letter, you can describe not only that you feel now, but also what is remembered with this person: events, situations, feelings (joy or resentment, thanks or anger). It can ask for forgiveness or tell about your fears.
This letter can be written in several goals or when it becomes especially hard.
4. Make the simplest ordinary business.
It returns to life, distracts and soothes. Especially, washing dishes, cleaning, knitting, walking with a dog.
5. Try not to stay alone with your thoughts.
Mount is heavier than everything is survived alone.
6. Think about the future.
At first it will be very difficult, it is even almost impossible to think about how you live without the one who died. But this is how you will eventually learn. Live without. If you find it difficult to think about the future for yourself, try mentally talking to the dead and ask him, whatever your life you lost, could you wish for you?
7. Write that the valuable for you was precisely in this person.
What needs satisfied in communication with him? What do you lose with his care? And then on each individual item, try to imagine where, with whom and how you can fill this loss.
Again, first, it will be very difficult. And some even believe that if they do it, thereby "will betray a bright memory." But nevertheless, it is impossible to gain a mental balance, until all needs are satisfied. We want it or not, we begin to adapt to new conditions.
And the faster we fill the gaps, the faster we will be able to return to life. It does not mean to forget the person's expensive. But it means to help yourself, and perhaps those who are near (for example, children) to choose the road of creation, not eternal suffering. Would be happy who you lost, find out what the rest of your days will you spend in hard experiences?
8. Take care of yourself.
Remember what calmed you in childhood. Write a list that you could soothe now. And try to do something from this list every day.
It may be the most simple affairs: warm shower, good movie, communication with loved ones, drawing, reading, warm plaid, relaxing massage, calm music, sleep, walk.
The death of a loved one is one of the most severe and serious tests that can only occur in life. If you had to face this misfortune, it is stupid to advise "Take yourself in hand." The first time will not be easy to accept the loss, but you have the opportunity not to be divened to your condition deeper, and try to cope with stress. As practice shows, it is impossible to fully prepare for the death of an expensive person, even if he was sick, and such an outcome was already defined by doctors. Such a loss usually turns into a serious emotional shake and depression. After that, the mournful person himself, as it may, "fall out of life" for a long time. But regret, there is no fast way to get out of the depressed state provoked by the death of a loved one, but it is necessary to take measures to ensure that this misfortune fails for you in The hardest form of depression. As a rule, after the death of a close relative or friend, people begin to experience the guilt, feeling that they did not do everything good for the deceased, which he deserved. A lot of thoughts associated with the deceased person are scrolled in the head, which causes overall depression.
4 stages burning
1. Shock and shock. Some of this stage can last a few minutes, and someone is immersed in such a fortune for long days. A person cannot fully realize what happened, it seems to be in the "frozen" state. From the side it may even seem that the tragic incident did not make much influence on him, but in fact he is simply in the deepest shock. 2. Unaccepting and complete denial, depression. A person does not want to take what happened and think about what will happen next. The awareness of the fact that life will never be the same, it seems terrible, and he tries in every way to forget, just not to think about what happened. From the side it may seem that a person seems to be numb. All conversations about loss, he either avoids or does not support. However, the other extreme happens - increased fussiness. In the second case, the grieving actively begins to engage in any cases - the movement of things that died, clarifying all the circumstances of the tragedy, the organization of funeral and other. As a result, it is sooner or later an understanding that life has changed radically, which leads to stress, and then - and to depression. 3. Awareness of loss. Fully comes awareness of what happened. It can happen completely suddenly. For example, a person involuntarily stretches behind the phone to call a relative or friend, and suddenly understands why it is no longer possible. Also awareness can come and gradually. By passing the stage of denial, a person begins to scroll through a lot of events related to the departed. This stage can be accompanied by flares of anger and resentment. It seems that it seems unfair and nightmarish, and the awareness of the irreparation of the position of the Crimprint and is disturbing. Many options are considered, in which the outcome could be different. A person begins to be angry with himself, believing that in his power was to prevent misfortunes. He also pushes other people, becoming irritable and depressed. 4. Acceptance and mourning. Usually this stage comes in a few months. In particularly difficult cases, the situation may be delayed. Passing the most sharp stages of grief, a person begins to humble with what happened. His life is still flowing for some time, and he begins to get used to it, gradually "restructured". Memories of the dead cause his sadness, and periodically he mourns a dear person.
2. Cancel and take care of yourselfMany people who experience the pain of loss are waiting with their hand on their appearance and in general - on which or care of yourself. And yet, this is the necessary minimum that you should not forget - wash your head, bathing, cleaning teeth, washing things. This refers to the reception of food. It is clear that you now don't need anything else, and all your thoughts are engaged in others, but still do not ignore your needs. 3. Write a letter to a person who leaves a personSurely, you believe that a lot did not have time to say a close person, did not really admitted. Throw all the unspecified on paper. Write how you do not have enough of this person, what would you do if he was near, about what you regret and so on. 4. Do not suppress emotionsPerhaps it seems to you that if you in every way will suppress the external manifestations of grief, then thus will quickly cope with the wrong misfortune. Nevertheless, you just "lock" your emotions and experiences, do not give them to break free. Better to pay your grief - so it will be easier for you. 5. Try to distractOf course, now nothing more important for you is more important than your loss, but do not forget that your life continues, like the lives of those who are dear to you. Undoubtedly, many of them are also experiencing no better times and need your support. Communicate with native people, together it will be easier for you to experience this pain. 6. Help psychologistSome are very difficult to accept the new position on their own. If you understand that the situation worsens and your depression dragged down, sign up for a reception to a psychologist - he will advise you how to cope with bitterness of loss.
How to take care of a relative in the world of different
- Do not hold emotions in yourself and let the will with emotions as often as you need. This is a natural human response on the tract of communication with an expensive being. Share your experiences with loved ones - for sure, they will want to hold you. This is a great test for all family members - perhaps one of them needs your support. Many owners feel the feeling of guilt after the death of a pet, if it occurred prematurely. Do not register yourself or a loved one in what happened. We ask about your experiences to people who are the roads to you. Surely, they want to support you, and so you are easier to take the loss. Associate other terrible animals. Undoubtedly, in your city there is not the only shelter, and in general the streets are a lot of beasts in need of protection. It is possible that in the end you will learn to one of them and want to bring to your home. Undoubtedly, he will never replace you with your favorite four-legged friend, but you can save the animal from adversity and find another comrade among the "brothers of our smaller".
The death of a person causes strong negative emotions and experiences in the souls of his relatives and friends, because of which life loses their colors for a long time. Many people do not know how to survive the death of a loved one, how to cope with spiritual pain, feeling irrelevant loss and goded longing for the departed. The death of a loved one will always be unexpected, even if all the prerequisites were to this tragic event, because we all tend to hope for the best. That is why it is impossible to prepare for the death of relatives, and it does not matter, a person died suddenly or due to severe illness - a close deceased will have to complete grief and pain from losing.
Despite the fact that for all people, the loss of a loved one is grief, everyone experiences the death of moms, a child, a spouse, relative or friend in his own way. The tears and sobs are not shy, the introverts tend to restrain emotions, pragmatic people are faster than the death of loved ones and "let him release it," and romantic people can whims for the ear decades who have gone. And yet there are several stages of grief, through which everyone who survived the loss of a person inevitably passes. Knowledge of the peculiarities of each of these stages will help to understand how to survive the death of a loved one and how to help overcome the pain of loss in loved ones.
How people are experiencing grief
Psychologists allocate the 4 main stages of experiences of grief, through which one way or another passes every person who suffered a loss or other terrible shock. The duration of these stages and the severity of emotions on each of them depends on the type of thinking and.
How to survive the death of a loved one
Unfortunately, neither modern psychology, nor modern medicine invented a way, which is guaranteed to eliminate pain from the loss of a loved one in a few minutes, and whether he needed? It is paint our life in bright colors that, and the pain of losses teaches us even more to appreciate what we have. Therefore, to survive the death of a loved one and return to the old life, it is necessary to live all the stages of grief, without suppressing emotions And allowing themselves to grieve.
It is especially important to "correctly" survive the first two stages of grief, because of whether a person could take what happened and spill negative emotions, the ability to fully cope with the grief in the future depends. Therefore, learning about the death of loved ones you do not need to try to close from emotions and cleaned with loved ones, which are also experiencing a mountain loss
- Support for relatives means a lot for those who experience the death of a child, a friend's mom or relative. The native deceased is not standing in the first days after the tips that happened to give each other and call "to restrain the emotions and be strong," much more important is - just to be next to each other and divide the mountain.
Also, psychologists are not advised to try to reduce pain from loss with strong sedatives and tranquilizers, especially at the first three stages of the experience of grief. These medical drugs are not eliminated, but only suppress emotions, therefore, after the expiration of the medication, all experiences will return again with full force. If you cope with pain yourself or with the help of loved ones, it is best to turn to a psychologist.
Practical advice, how to cope with the pain of the loss of a native person
Only in the rarest cases, a person is ready for the death of loved ones. Much more often grief overtakes us unexpectedly. What to do? How to react? Mikhail Khassminsky, head of the Orthodox Center of Crisis Psychology at the Temple of the Resurrection of Christ in Semenovskaya (Moscow).
What are we going through, experiencing grief?
When a close person dies, we feel that the connection is torn with him - and it gives us a strongest pain. It hurts not the head, not a hand, not a liver, soul hurts. And it is impossible to do anything to this pain once - and stopped.
Often, the confusion comes to me for consultation and says: "For two weeks, I have passed, and I can't come to my senses." But can you come to yourself in two weeks? After all, after a severe operation, we do not say: "Doctor, I have been lying on ten minutes, and I haven't heal anything yet." We understand: it will take three days, the doctor will look, then remove the seams, the wound will begin to heal; But complications may arise, and some stages will have to go again. All this can take several months. And here it is not about bodily injury - but about spiritual to heal, usually takes about a year or two. And in this process there are several consecutive stages, jump over which is impossible.
What are these stages? The first is shock and denial, then anger and insult, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance (although it is important to understand that any designation of stages is conditional, and that these stages have no clear boundaries). Some pass them harmoniously and without delay. Most often it is a strong faith people who have clear answers to questions what death is and what will happen after it. Faith helps to go through these stages correctly, survive them one by one - and eventually enter the stage of adoption.
But when faith is not, the death of a loved one can become a non-healing wound. For example, a person can deny the loss for half a year, saying: "No, I don't believe it could not happen." Or "stuck" on anger, which can be directed to doctors who "not saved", to relatives, on God. Anger can be directed at itself and produce a sense of guilt: I was not lifewous, did not say, I did not stop in time - I'm a villain, I am guilty of his death. Many people suffer for a long time for a long time.
However, as a rule, several questions are enough so that a person figured out with his sense of guilt. "Did you want the death of this person?" - "No, I did not want." - "What are you guilty then?" "I sent it to the store, and if he didn't go there, he would not get under the car." - "Good, and if an angel appeared to you and said: If you are going to the store, then this man will die, how would you behave then?" "Of course, I would not send him anywhere." - "What is your fault? In the fact that you did not know the future? That you did not appear angel? But what have you? "
In some people, the strongest feeling of guilt may arise and simply due to the fact that the passage of these steps is delayed. Friends and colleagues do not understand why he goes so long, not surrender. He himself is awkward from this, but he cannot do anything with him.
And someone, on the contrary, these stages can literally "fly", but after a time of the injury that they did not live, overlap, and then, perhaps, even the experience of the domestic death will give such a person with great difficulty.
No grief is without pain. But one thing, when you believe in God, and quite another, when you do not believe in anything: here one injury can be superimposed on another - and so indefinitely.
Therefore, my advice to people who prefer to live today and postpone the main life questions tomorrow: do not wait for them to fall on you like snow on your head. Understand them (and with yourself) here and now, look for God - this search will help you at the time of parting with a close person.
And yet: if you feel that you do not cope with the loss yourself, if one and a half or two years have no dynamics in accommodation, if there is a sense of guilt, or chronic depression, or aggression, be sure to contact a specialist - psychologist, psychotherapist.
Do not think about death - this is the path to neurosis
I recently analyzed how many pictures of famous artists are dedicated to the topic of death. Previously, artists were taken by the image of grief, sorrow precisely because death was inscribed in a cultural context. In modern culture there is no place of death. They do not speak about it, because "it is injured." In fact, it hurts just the opposite: the absence of this topic in the field of our view.
If a person mentions in the conversation that someone died, he answers: "Oh, sorry. Probably you do not want to talk about it. " And maybe just the opposite, I want! I want to remember the dead, I want sympathy! But at this moment they are removed from him, try to change the topic, fearing to upset, touch. A young woman died her husband, and close to say: "Well, do not worry, you are beautiful, you will still marry." Or run away from the plague. Why? Because they themselves are afraid to think about death. Because they do not know what to say. Because there are no condolence skills.
This is the main problem: a modern man is afraid to think and talk about death. He does not have this experience, he did not give him parents, and those are their parents and grandmothers who lived in the years of state atheism. Therefore, today many do not cope with the experience of loss independently and need professional assistance. For example, it happens that a person sits right on the grave of the mother or even there. What does this frustration occur? From misunderstanding what happened and what to do next. And all sorts of superstitions are located on it, and acute, sometimes suicidal problems arise. In addition, the children who are also often experienced by the Mountain, and adults with their inadequate behavior can apply them an irreparable mental injury.
But the condolences are "joint disease." Why hurt someone else's pain if your goal is to be good here and now? Why think about your own death, is it not better to drive these thoughts to care, something to buy yourself, it's good to eat, drink well? The fear of what will happen after death, and reluctance to think about it includes a very children's protective reaction in us: everyone will die, but I am not.
Meanwhile, both birth, and life, and death - the links of one chain. And it is stupid to ignore it. If only because it is a direct path to neurosis. After all, when we encounter the death of a loved one, we will not cope with this loss. Only changing your attitude to life, you can fix a lot inside. Then the grief will go through much easier.
Erase superstition from his consciousness
I know that hundreds of questions about superstition come to the post "Foma". "Water a monument in the cemetery of children's clothing, which will now be?" "Is it possible to raise a thing if you dropped in a cemetery?" "Dropped into the coffin handkerchiefs, what to do?" "A ring of funeral fell, what is this sign?" "Is it possible to hang photos of dead parents on the wall?"
The mirrors begins - after all, it is supposedly, the gate to another world. Someone is convinced that the son cannot bear the Mother coffin, and then the dead will be bad. What is the absurd, to whom is this coffin, who is not a native son?! Of course, neither to Orthodoxy, nor to faith in Christ the system of the world, where the glove who accidentally falling on the cemetery is a certain sign, nothing has nothing.
I think it is also from the unwillingness to look inside yourself and respond to really important existential issues.
Not all people in the temple are experts on life and death
For many, the loss of a close man becomes the first step towards God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: in the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock it is necessary to make awareness, why exactly and to whom (or to whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But a person who came to the temple for the first time, who may not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a conductor there, who will help to understand many issues that do not give him peace.
This conductor, of course, should be a priest. But he does not always have time, he often has been painted the whole day literally a minute: services, connectors and a lot more. And some of the tickets entrust chat with newcomers, catchisters, psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performing even the candles. But it is necessary to understand that the church can be stumbled upon a variety of people.
This is how if a person came to the clinic, and the wardrobe told him: "Do you have something sore?" - "Yes, spin." - "Well, let me tell you how to be treated. And ladies read literature. "
In the temple the same. And very sad when a person who is so injured by the loss of his loved one, gets there an additional injury. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a man in Mount - he is not a psychologist. Yes, and not every psychologist will cope with this task, they, like doctors, have specialization. For example, under no circumstances will take advice to give advice from the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol-dependent people.
What can we talk about those who distribute incomprehensible tips and melts superstitions! Often these are a barren people who do not go to church, but they come: they put candles, write notes, sanctify the cakes, - and all familiar to them turn to them as experts who everyone knows about life and death.
But with people experiencing grief, we must speak in a special language. Communication with flavored, injured people should be learn, and this case should be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, in the church it should be a whole serious direction, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social service.
What no way cannot be done is to conduct some kind of causal relationships. No: "The God of the child took on your sins"! How do you know that only God knows? These words of the combustible person can be injured very and very much.
And in no case cannot extrapolate your personal experience of experiencing death on other people, this is also a big mistake.
So, if you, encountered with a hard shock, came to the temple, be very careful in choosing people to which they appeal to complex issues. And you should not think that in the church you must all something - people who are offended by the inbot to them in the temple are often coming to me, but forgetting that they are not the center of the Universe and others do not have to fulfill all their desires.
But the staff and parishioners of the temple, if they are asked for help, do not build an expert from themselves. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take him by the hand, pour him hot tea and just listen to him. He is not required from you not words, and complicity, empathy, condolences - what will help step by step to cope with his tragedy.
If the mentor died ...
Often, people are lost when a man who was in their lives of the teacher, a mentor in their lives. For someone, this is a mother or grandmother, for someone - a completely third-party person, without wise councils and active assistance to which it is difficult to present his life.
When such a person dies, many find themselves in a dead end: how to live on? At the stage of shock, this question is quite natural. But if his decision is delayed for several years, it seems to me just with egoism: "I needed this man, he helped me, now he died, and I don't know how to live."
Or maybe now you need to help this person? Maybe now your soul should work in prayer about the mustache, and your life is to become embodied thanks for his upbringing and wise advice?
If an adult has left the life of an important person for him, who gave him his warmth, his participation, then you should remember this and understand that now you are as a charged battery, you can warm it to others. After all, the more you distribute, the more creation bring to this world - the more the merit of that deceased person.
If you are shared with you wisdom and warmth, why cry, what is no one else to do? Start sharing myself - and you will get it warm already from other people. And do not think constantly about yourself, because egoism is the biggest enemy of the worker.
If the dead was an atheist
In fact, everyone believes in something. And if you believe the eternal, then you understand that the person who proclaimed himself atheist, now, after death, is the same as you. To the great regret, he realized it too late, and your task now is to help him with his prayer.
If you were close to him, then to some extent you are the continuation of this person. And now much depends on you.
Children and Gore
This is a separate, very large and important topic, my article "age features of the experience of grief" is dedicated to it. Up to three years, the child does not understand what death is. And only ten years begins to form the perception of death, like an adult person. This must be taken into account. By the way, the Metropolitan Surozhsky Anthony said a lot about this (Personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and a digester).
Many parents are concerned about the question, should the children be present at the funeral? Watching the picture of Konstantin Makovsky "Funeral of the child" and you think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at it? And why don't they stand there if adults explained to them that death is not necessary to be afraid that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouting: "Oh, go, do not look!" After all, the child feels: if it is so removed, it means that something is terrible. And then even the death of a homemade turtle can turn into a mental illness for him.
And there were now any children in those days and hidden: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. It is natural when children are present at the funeral, mourn, learn to respond to death, learn to do something creative for the sake of the deceased: pray, help on commemoration. And parents often traumatize the child by trying to hide him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: "Dad went on a business trip," and the child starts offended with time - first on dad for not returning, and then on mom, because he feels that she does not agree. And when then it opens the truth ... I saw a family where the child simply cannot communicate with the mother because of such deception.
I am struck by one story: the girl died dad, and her teacher is a good teacher, an Orthodox man - she said to children that they would not fit to her, because she was so bad. But this means to injure the child again! Scary, when even people with pedagogical education, people believers do not understand children's psychology.
Children are no worse than adults, their inner world is no less deep. Of course, in conversations with them it is necessary to take into account the age aspects of the perception of death, but it is not necessary to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from testing. They must be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults, and they do not learn to cope with losses.
What does "survive the grief"
Fully survive the grief - it means turning black sorrow in bright memory. After the operation remains seam. But if he is well and neatly made, it does not hurt, does not interfere, does not pull. So here: the scar will remain, we will never be able to forget about the loss - but we will not experience it with pain, but with a feeling of gratitude to God and to the deceased person for being in our life, and hopefully In the life of the future century.