You know, I don't consider myself a "chervonets" at all. And even more so, I'm not going to.

Only here is what "a little bit" zapalbivaet.

Firstly, most often about “not a chervonets” they rant both online and in real life by those who don’t even pull on a penny. Examples? I have them, in your words. The best friend in the pose of a queen made happy with her friendship and with a claim that “she always gets what she wants” with, to put it mildly, a small mind, a very peculiar appearance and a rather trashy character. Actually, by virtue of an equally trashy character, they became friends. The results are predictable: being sent by me after another quarrel, she suddenly found out that no one really needs anyone else, and her Wishlist, divorced from reality, led to a life in the style of a cowshed - it smells strongly around, but not roses. And now, which is also predictable, with the saying “I’m not blaming anyone, but” the same cakes are flying at my husband (already former), boss, me. After all, we are “not chervonets”. Will it help her, do you think?

Secondly, those who like to “merge” quietly, categorically do not tolerate such an attitude towards themselves, with titanic efforts searching for the question “what is wrong”. Example? Please. A friend, confident in his great irresistibility. No, the guy is cool - tall, athletic, handsome, educated, not stupid. Direct gift. For one "but": a complete egoist. The whole world should revolve around him, wonderful. And for the time being, it was. The lovers played football in packs in the "busy, no time, later" way. And then it hit me. Yes, the appearance is quite ordinary. Gray house mouse. Yes, the character is more like mustard than sugar. But in the presence of an apartment-car-dacha (he only has a car, and that old one is patched up) and his salary is twice as high as his. There are a lot of such provincial handsome men nearby. You can choose a more accommodating one. Oh, what was in response to "no time"! But, having heard: “You are beautiful, but not my option,” he immediately calmed down, and again there were wonderful coffee gatherings. So now I immediately and tactfully send it to the garden. And yes, not once did anyone raise their hands.

Well, thirdly. The statement amuses, they say, online and in real life people are “different”. Your illusions are different, but people are always the same. The forced jokes of a depressed person can be quite funny, but longing still peeps through them. As an example. Yes, it's easier for you not to dig deep, not to analyze. And at a meeting, declare a person “tedious”. Although the problem is not in his depression, but in your desire for a holiday person.

In short, network girls and boys, every date is like casting for a movie. The director chooses a star for the main role, and the star is considering whether he agrees to risk his rating in the film of this director. And the refusal can be from any of the parties.

Learn to treat this with dignity, without pouring mud and not “merging”.

Publication and introduction by A. Baboreko

Bunin's "Auto Interview"

Science and Life, No 6, 1976 OCR Bychkov M.N. On October 26, 1947, I. A. Bunin was supposed to read his memoirs at a literary evening in Paris. It was assumed that the evening would be preceded by advertising in the press. To help one of the organizers, Bunin decided to write this note personally and, when he came to him, handed him the finished text. The note was written in the form of a conversation between the writer and a fictitious correspondent. It was the writer's joke. But how much bitter truth was contained in this joke! How difficult the war and post-war years in Paris were for Bunin can be judged at least by his letter in Moscow to his longtime friend writer N. D. Teleshov dated March 1, 1947: “The years of the war with their severe hardships (cave hunger, cold and still under the accursed German yoke) severely broke my health, and now life in France is also not honey, and especially this winter with its unprecedented cold, and now my chronic bronchitis has worsened in the ice apartment, a hellish cough began to beat me for whole nights, increased to uniform suffocation, before the onset of asthma, shortness of breath, more or less tolerable food began to cost big money ... "("Historical Archive", 1962, No 2, p. 164). There is no doubt that the comic "auto-interview" by I. A. Bunin contains real information about the life of the writer.

I. A. Bunin

We found I. A. in his office at his desk, in a dressing gown, wearing glasses, with a pen in his hand ...-- Bonjour, mattre ( Good afternoon, master!} . A small interview... in connection with your evening of October 26... But we seem to have interfered - are you writing? I'm sorry... I.A. pretends to be angry: - Master, master! Anatole France himself was angry at this word: Mattre de quoi? (Master of what?) And when they call me master, I want to say a bad pun: "I'm already so old and supposedly famous that it's time to call me" kilometer ". But to the point. What do you want to talk to me about? - First of all, about how you are doing, how is your health, what will please us at the evening, what are you writing now? .. -- How do I do! Woe only beautifies cancer, says the proverb. Do you know someone's wonderful verses: What composure Horses of a simple rank, Paying no attention To the difficulties of existence! But where can I get self-control? I am a horse of not quite a simple rank, but most importantly, quite old, and therefore the difficulties of existence, which, as you know, many have many, and especially mine, I endure with some disgust and even resentment: according to my age and how much I plowed in the literary "field", I could live a little better. And for a long time I have not written anything, except for requests to Mr. Tax Collector to install them for me. Before I wrote almost nothing in Paris, I went to the south for this, but now where and on what means will you go? So I'm sitting in this apartment, cramped and already, if not in the cold, thenin a rather unpleasant chill. - And can I find out what exactly you will read at your evening? “I never know for sure until the very last minute. The choice of reading on the stage is a difficult matter. Reading from the stage even something beautiful, but not "shocking", you know that after a quarter of an hour they no longer listen to you, they begin to think about something of their own, look at your shoes under the table ... This is not music , although I once had an interesting conversation on this subject with Rachmaninov. I told him: "You feel good - music even affects dogs!" And he answered me: "Yes, Vanyusha, most of all for a co-tank." So you’re all hesitating: what to read so that you don’t think about your own, don’t look at the shoes? I am not a chervonets to please everyone, as my father said, I am not ambitious, .. But I am proud and conscientious - I don’t like to make people bored ... So I have one thing in mind for the evening: do not get bored. - And you, I. A., are very excited when you read at your parties? After all, everyone on the stage, on the stage, is worried ... -- Still would! As a young man I saw in "Hamlet" the world-famous Rossi at that time, and during the intermission I received permission to enter his dressing room: he was reclining in an armchair bare-chested, white as a sheet, covered in huge drops of sweat ... I saw him, also in restroom, the famous Lensky from the Moscow Maly Theater in exactly the same position as Rossi ... I saw Yermolova backstage - I had the honor to speak with her more than once at charity literary evenings: if you knew, what happened to her before leaving! Her hands are shaking, she drinks either valerian or Hoffmann drops, she crosses herself every minute ... By the way, she read very badly - like almost all actors and actresses ...-- How! Yermolov! -- Yes Yes! Yermolov. As for me, then, imagine, I am an exception: both behind the scenes and on the stage, I am calm. "Don't like it - don't listen!" In my youth, I blushed on the stage, muttered-- most of all from the thought that no one needs my reading, and even from some kind of malice towards the public. Quite young, I was once a participant in a literary and musical evening in a huge hall in St. sang Neapolitan songs! And so I flew out onto the stage after him—do you understand what it is: after him? sitting a step away from me, broad-shouldered, with a broad, broken nose, Witte himself is looking at me like a crocodile! , perhaps, would not be embarrassed even under the gaze ... well, think for yourself, under whose gaze ...

Our problem is that we do not have the ability to dislike other people.

There are such bitter words in the Bible addressed to Man: “Oh, if you were cold or hot! But you, neither cold nor hot, you - warm therefore I will spew you out of my mouth.”

Our world is too concerned with the question of how to win "friends". Moreover, the concept of “friend” has already been devalued to such an extent that it becomes incomprehensible - who else wants to chase such worthless cheap stuff as modern “friendship”. After all, real friends are not won by Carnegie books. Real friends, comrades, are acquired ... in battle. No, I do not in any way deny the usefulness of Carnegie's ideas and do not urge you to learn the art of making enemies.

Or maybe you thought I was completely crazy...

There is a great saying: "I am not a gold piece of gold to please everyone." The only pity is that this saying is most often abused by those who constantly tilt their "boat" in the opposite direction - in the direction of making enemies for themselves. Here, he did some nasty thing to a person, spread Evil around him, and immediately in self-justification: “I, they say, am not a gold piece of gold.” Yes, you are not a gold piece of gold, friend, you are a walking Voldemort, and your place is in the Azkaban fortress. And it also happens like this... Suddenly a good person hears something bad about himself from bad people and consoles himself with the same. Yes, somehow it does not console ...

Our problem is that we don't have the skill

not like other people

We are only good at two things:

First: Quietly hate the whole world, suspecting that all people are enemies. AND

Second: To adapt to everyone we meet, suspecting that we ourselves are nothing of ourselves, and therefore we must “try to please” very hard.

But the one who does not trust people in general, out of principle, will never be able to let a real friend into his life. And the one who has no real enemies will never have real allies either.

Imagine such a metaphor, an image of the world:

The world is a football field where two teams play.

In fact, the world, of course, is more complicated - and not two, but many more teams play in it. But for the sake of simplicity, let's imagine that there are two teams.

If you want to get into this world (on this football field) as its active player, then you need to decide for whom (and therefore against whom) you will play. Otherwise, you will be kicked off the field as an outsider interfering with the game process. Like a cat that accidentally wandered into the stadium.

You can, of course, play another role provided for by the rules - the role of an arbiter. But only bad luck - the arbiter has no allies - he is alone. And besides, a real football referee will go home after the game, to family and friends - he plays the role of a "lone referee" only on the field. And here, if you remember, a football field is a metaphor for everything, everything. And, therefore, you, as a "referee", will have nowhere to go "home, to friends." Your role as a neutral loner will last all the time of your existence allotted to you. You want this, like this, all your life, are you ready for this?

Unfortunately, we can, we want and we are ready. Sociologists say that Russians (that is, you and I) live in an atomized society. What is an "atomized society"? This is a society of people who live in a state of "on their own" and consider this state to be normal. We are not team players. At best, we are only interested in our family. In the worst case, we and our family are not very interested. We are only interested in ourselves. And why is this happening?

The fact is that, frightened by this life, we stop striving for any goals, except for one - to please people. But the one who tries to please everyone is not needed by anyone.

"Whom are you friends against?"

Do you know why teenagers despise the adult world? For the fact that the world of adults is fresh and almost half dead. Adults are not friends with anyone. They have no "against whom" to be friends... No, adults, of course, meet and drink vodka together, discuss various nonsense... but all this makes the most miserable impression on children. After all, “adult companies”, they are not real, you can immediately see it in the boring eyes of the audience!

But then, when adults suddenly light up ... for example, with righteous anger, and begin to unite against Evil (as they understand it), then do something concrete, then it becomes immediately interesting with them. Isn't a grown-up person beautiful who for a moment forgot that he is an adult and... punched a scoundrel in the face, wrinkling his jacket at the same time? eyes? ... Or he began to actively “attach” abandoned kittens (as children love to do!), Not being afraid to drop his “adult” reputation. Or: here an adult went to a rally ... because he was tired ... The air immediately begins to smell like a thunderstorm, ozone appears, it is easy to breathe. Volunteer squads are marching through the streets, singing peppy marching songs...

It was about this that the most important poet of teenagers, Viktor Tsoi, sang:

War is for the young
Wrinkle medicine.

The old ones will not go to war, they have other things to deal with. Yes, and they are afraid ... They have hemorrhoids, arthritis and an interesting evening series.

But why are adults still “better” than children?

Adults in their adult world have civilized methods developed over the centuries to fight Evil for the Truth. These ways are contained in civil institutions that regulate problems without violence, carnage and barricades in the streets of the city. Taken together, this is called civil society. It allows you to solve urgent problems without bringing things to the explosion of a steam boiler.

Adults have all this... But only there is no desire to fight for anything... In children, this desire has not yet disappeared, it has not been repulsed. Only children often do not have the civilized tools to fight. So they solve their problems with the help of a massacre, until the big “good people” explain to them that the most correct position in life is the position “my hut is on the edge”.

Who are creative achievers?

Creative achievers are just those rare adults who have not lost their childish thirst for justice and the desire to do something. Who know how to make friends and hate. Who will not put on a smile "everyone likes me" ...

These adults make Nobel Prize winners, big businessmen and politicians, captains and reformers. Such people are confident in their abilities and in their rightness, therefore they always go ahead. How many of these powers do they have? And what is the basis of their self-confidence? Are they the most beautiful, the smartest, the luckiest? Yes, their confidence is not based on anything! Here's what psychologists say about it:

“Self-confidence must be unreasonable. It will create its own cause and attract the right chance.”

As one humorous poem says, "Let's strike with megalomania on the inferiority complex."

When you know how to clearly articulate and pronounce who your enemy is, then like-minded people will soon come to you. When you are a servant of two masters, be afraid that sooner or later you will be "caught" and hanged for double espionage.

For, as the great English artist Reynolds said in his sonnet:

“I prefer blackness in my eyes,

Than an imitation of the blue of a hyacinth.

Here, Lermontov and his characters are the idols of teenagers (teenagers of better times). Lermontov knew how to dislike ... And for this, teenagers love him. And adults love it.

A more modern example is Holden Caulfield from Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. It is also loved by teenagers and adults. He generally soaked it! .. For example:

“I swear to God, if I played the piano and these idiots liked me, I would consider it a personal insult.

WE AVOKE THE TEENAGER-REBELLION IN OURSELVES OR "WAR IS A BUSINESS OF THE YOUNG, A MEDICINE AGAINST WRINKLES"

We are adults.

We are no longer "rude" to mean "stupid teachers".

We do not behave "provocatively" in the office of a menacingly roaring head teacher.

We do not ask "uncomfortable questions" to our ancestors (and other adults), who periodically pose as "instructive sages" in front of us.

We no longer wear "terrifying" wardrobe items on our body (that is, no, we wear, we wear "terrible wardrobe items" on our body, but ... in a completely different sense of the word "terrible wardrobe item").

We do not allow ourselves to have hairstyles and jewelry for which they threaten to expel us from the Komsomol,

We do not fall in love without memory with some "Svetka" or "Vitalik" ... We have had a soul at half past five for many years.

We do not ask what kind of music a person listens to and what books he likes, in order to immediately understand quietly to himself whether he is a bastard or his dude.

We are no longer sure that we will live a life, of course, better than our mom and dad.

We have become warm, and the Angel wants to vomit us out of his mouth.

Right now, we have listed almost all the important points that a person who has not yet crushed a free and natural Personality should allow himself. The man is still young.

To reanimate and revive yourself, you just need to make a program-list of "hooligan cases" for six months and implement them point by point.

And spontaneous cards from the "1000 Ideas" deck will help us, which will give you your personal ideas of revitalization (after all, we will draw the cards with OUR hand).

8 things to do so that you do not say “Woman! Where are you going? There's no one else there!!!"

CASE FIRST

Where is another sad, deceitful and mercenary bribe-taker hiding here - a “stupid teacher”, carrying only a blizzard, how and for what reason should I “get nasty” to her in order to stop this flow of boring blizzard from her lips?

CASE TWO

Who else here imagines himself a monarch, a “formidable head teacher” and how can I behave “provocatively” in his “domains” so that he understands that I am not afraid of him and despise his threats?

CASE THREE

How, to whom and about what can I ask “uncomfortable questions”? Who here imagines himself to be a "wise man" who can "teach" me and knows better than me "how I should live"?

CASE FOUR

What kind of "terrifying" thing should I buy and wear? Just not the terrifying thing that all the “terrifyingly decent people” around me are wearing, trying to portray themselves as economically wealthy, feminine-sexy and mentally sane.

CASE FIVE

What should I do with my hair and what accessories should I buy to enhance the spitting effect and keep “that terrifying thing” from point four in the company?

CASE SIX

So! You need to fall in love with someone! Even platonically. At least unrequited. At least for a week! But for real! And let it be even an actor from Indian cinema! Give the patient something. He's almost numb now.

CASE SEVENTH

What about "culture"? Reading a captivating book that turns your world around and listening to an uplifting song?

What have I recently read “from books” and listened to “from songs”?

So who am I after that: "cattle" or "my dude"?

CASE EIGHT

I still believe that I will correct the mistakes of my mom and my dad and live my life without making their mistakes and without dealing with their problems - the consequences of these mistakes. How? I will be better! But how? What should I do and where should I look?

You can purchase psychological cards for this exercise in the official online store.

Elena Nazarenko

Our abstract, beautiful-hearted “love for people” (for “humanity”), which is in no way verified by dirty practice and a head-on collision with this same “humanity”, is always rudely broken into specifics ...

“God has no other hand than yours,” the biblical parable of the widow’s oil and the prophet Elisha teaches us.

We analyze the metaphor of a canary in a cage and the story "Poor People" and learn to see the benefits even in unrequited love.

Modern scientists believe that one of the character accentuations is also a person’s strong commitment to the “norm” accepted in his (chicken coop) society, and they even call it “pathological ...

How to use Tarot cards in the work of a psychologist. An overview of the Queen of Wands card in the Rider-Waite Tarot system, in the Aleister Crowley Tarot system and the Tarot systems of 1000 ideas and 1000 lives.

The similarity of the structure of a magical heroic tale to the traditional model of any brief therapy, the best example of which is the NLP therapy model

I want to continue the conversation we started not so long ago about people suffering from phobias, that is, experiencing unmotivated sudden fears that prevent them from living a full life.

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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Bill Cosby

Many of us strive to please everyone. Today we will talk about why nothing good will come of it.

It's impossible

It's impossible to please everyone. You can, of course, try, but your attempt will fail miserably.

Remember the good old expression "How many people, so many opinions"? Even if someone considers you the most wonderful person in the world, there will always be someone who will think very differently.

So it is impossible and absolutely unnecessary to strive to please everyone. Otherwise, you can become like Molchalin from Woe from Wit, whose famous line many of us remember from school:

My father bequeathed to me: firstly, to please all people without exception - the owner, where I happen to live, the boss, with whom I will serve, his servant who cleans dresses, the porter, the janitor, to avoid evil, the janitor's dog, so that it is affectionate.

The opinions of others are just opinions, not the ultimate truth.

If you strive to please everyone, then you begin to take to heart everything that other people say about you. Even the smallest remark that another person made to you can spoil your mood for the whole day.

Remember that you don't always have to take what other people say seriously. As someone once said: "A compliment can be said out of pity, and disgusting out of envy."

In any case, all opinions are subjective. Adjusting to those around you, you will live not your own, but someone else's life.

Not all opinions are important to you

Why do you think all these people are so important to you? What difference does it make to you what, by and large, people who are completely strangers to you think about you?

Many of those around you, whose opinions you so exalt, will never give you a helping hand when you are in trouble. Why, some of them won't pick up the phone when you just need to talk to someone. So is it worth considering their opinions so important?

Listen to the opinions and comments of loved ones - those who really care about you. But the advice of all other comrades, who are nobody for you, as well as you for them, push into the background.

It won't make you happy

Many people attach too much importance to the opinions of others. Relax, because even if most of your acquaintances idolize you, it still won't make you happy.

Happiness lies in inner self-confidence and self-confidence, and not in the opinions of others.

People just love to criticize and judge others.

This is one of the most beloved human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you cling to any of your shortcomings, blunders or mistakes with pleasure.

And no, people will not necessarily do this out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.

Nobody knows you better than yourself. So do not worry about the subjective assessments of others.

You have more important things to do

You have a job, hobbies, close people and a bunch of your own things that need to be done. So why waste time thinking about how to be good for everyone? More important and interesting things are waiting for you.

you can lose yourself

Listening to the opinions of others, trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, you can lose your "I".

People will always try to force something on you. A dad who wants you to be a doctor like himself. The mom who urges you to go to law school because she thinks being a lawyer is a lucrative and promising profession. Friends who are going to become great actors and invite you to the theater school for the company.

First, you can't break and please everyone. In any case, someone will have to refuse. And secondly, always ask yourself: “What do I want?”. Do as you see fit, even if you make a mistake - you make YOUR mistake.

You don't owe anything to anyone

You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. Just like I didn't come here to justify yours.

Frederick Perls

You do not have to strive to please everyone, and you should not care at all that someone out there does not like you.

Live your life.

What do you think about this?